94poems/artistNB

ARTIST’S NOTEBOOK

9/15/94

now I come home
now I come home
now I enter the space
which is mine
the one the mother made
for me, gave to me
to call and be my own.

9/16/94

My continued yearning to sew – the value in learning to fit one’s clothes perfectly to one’s body, as a teaching tool for the bigger life, the well-tailored life, thinking about the patchwork squares I saved.

9/21/94

Dream Bundle – long cloth, rolled up, double thickness, things stitched to it –maybe goes in Green Girl’s body.

9/23/94

How to contain the truth of my inner world – I picture a wooden box with a lock, – maybe kept in the bottom of the trunk.

9/27/94

Pot of basil with pesto recipe painted on it.

A series of pieces dealing with the unaccepted gift, a kind of unhope chest, a giving up. Place setting, with linens, in a box, turnips with dirt on the roots, a black box, burned.

A woman puts her whole heart into the things she makes, she wants the things, therefore, to be cherished as a sacrament of the heart. I have not yet experienced this – in moments perhaps with poetry audiences. My very life and being feels to me to be an unaccepted gift – something sent back, at the very best put aside, placed upon the shelf and never looked at, or thought about again.

I need to feel seen, a give and take, a shared vision.
I need a partner a real true partner.
I need to see prettiness and order,
to use language in a way that has heart, that makes connection.

I need nurturing from the forces of mother earth, that mother earth makes a place for me and welcomes me, that she cherishes me as part of the life upon her, w/in her skirts – I want to feel worthy of life, of love, of beauty.

I need a home which feels pretty to me, which is a constant comfort and joy to me, which makes me feel supported an enabled in doing and being myself.
I need some ease, some sense of safety, happiness and well-being. I need associations and connections which enable me to express and live the truth of my deepest feelings and needs.

I need passion and drama and romance.
I need ritual and ceremony.
I need singing and dancing, that power of energy expressing itself that happens within language,
I need work that totally engrosses me.
I need a firm foundation that supports me.

I want to commit my life to that healing process with /through language, how we use language, healing the language itself, our relationship to it, and then using language as a healing tool.

9/26/94(my 48th birthday)

My ceremony – the spiral w. greenery, rose petals – my green velvet dress – somehow a braid and picking up pieces along the way – maybe actual pieces of cloth with quotes – my own or other people’s – read aloud or not – maybe.

I need to let my energy exist strongly w/in myself, not repress it, bottle it up.
I need to always be conscious of my depths.
I need to maintain my foundation on my own two feet,
to stay in reality, the reality of the moment.

a place
a way
I have come to bring the ancient things, the mysteries.

I believe in energy/ies.
I believe in the spiritual life/inner truth.
I believe in the power and true of nature,
God in the eucalyptus branches,

in the fallen flower petals upon the ground,
in the color of blooms and birds,
in the shape and feel of fruit to our hands,
the juicy seeds of tomatoes,
the texture of mango,
the tart sting of strawberries.
I believe in nurturance
of the flesh and spirit.
I believe in the redemptive power of love.
I believe in the transformative power of touch.
I believe in the healing power of words.
I believe in planting, tending, mending, caring.

Home is a primary way that my heart speaks itself, home and love making.

I need drama and intensity
serenity
security, stability

I need to clean a cupboard every day and I need to do it passionately.

I want a relationship which is cooperative, where I can process stuff, with spiritual connection, with humor.

Visual clutter makes me unhappy.