2002/sad

Sad.
Tired.
Discouraged.
Poor night’s
sleep,
after an empty
afternoon,
when energy
dropped,
as it does,
from working
too long.
The ulnar nerve
in my elbow,
injured from overuse,
in pain
from the morning’s
work I was so
happy to do.
Trying to corral
my life into
any workable plan,
freeing it from
any demands
so that I can heal,
a tactic which
leaves me lost,
adrift.
Legs too tired to walk,
it hurts to read,
to write.
I have given up
the Sunday news,
my morning journal,
where life could
tell me things
through my hands
I try for fifteen minutes
of work a day,
and to find new dreams
to fill my life,
green jars on the
kitchen counter
for herbal oils
I plan to make.
That is not it.
But what is?
I knew a woman
once who talked
about how many times
she had re-created
her life,
though that is not
the word she used.
How to re-invent
myself?
I want to go to a wig
shop,
but fear their annoyance
if I am only shopping
for looks,
and not their wares.
I always start
with hair,
thinking perm
or color
or cut.
It has been so
long since I
considered perm,
and keeping my gray
is an ideological
matter.
Cut is the same
old boring dilemma
I never resolve,
as I cannot seem
to resolve any
of my dilemmas
now that I can’t
write my way out them.

10/24/02