2002/banana

Biting into my
banana nut muffin
I realize that
I don’t like them,
and face defeat in
my wheat-free
campaign early
in the day.
This is happening
a lot lately,
a quiet, but clear,
recognition of preference,
a kind of sorting
through my life.
I feel it, looking
at the herbal oils
I have just made,
a sprig of rosemary
in olive oil,
basil in sunflower,
the sunflower so
clear and clean
I wonder why
anyone would prefer
the dark olive.
Last night I made
pesto,
and thought I’ll probably
not do it again,
feeling weighed down
and heavy,
a burning pain.
Things are different
without a gallbladder,
an organ which helps
digest the food
you shouldn’t
have had.
A front line
defense for
the liver.
It is associated
with bitterness.
I tried to relinquish
all I was bitter
about in order
to heal it.
Nearly a year ago
today.
Bitterness built up
from years
of swallowing
bitter pills.

He tries to bait
me with his
opinions,
born again Christians
or just Christians,
I’m not sure which,
“are idiots.”
I say nothing
biting into
the muffin.
The new Leonard Cohen
is playing,
a two-CD set
I tell him,
that is what inspired
his remarks,
a critique of Cohen
vs. Dylan.
I discovered
Leonard Cohen
on a Sunday morning
in Salt Lake City,
a t.v. documentary
about him,
hard to believe
I saw it there
and then.
I remember the
rooms in the film,
rooms I would expect
to find in Greece
or Spain,
a large table
pushed against
the wall beneath
a window,
an old table with
splintered wood,
a manual typewriter.
I don’t know
if any of that
is what I actually
saw,
but it is what
I had the feeling of,
I was twenty then
and did not know
how life would turn
out.
Hopefully, I will say
that some day,
more optimistically,
about today.

10/26/02