99poems/threaten

6:04a.m.
I am threatened
by a sense of inadequacy.
The day has not
been enough,
I have not been enough.
I am judged
immoderate
because I don’t drink
coffee and beer.
People defend their
commitments,
almost to the death –
sometimes, in fact
to the death.
The chain smoker
inhaling through
the ventilator
hole in her neck.
When I was a smoker
I was criticized for
that.
Where did those
people go?
The clear-skinned
vegetarians.

You are never
enough, or you
are too much.
Somehow I
never achieved
the self-righteousness
clean living is
supposed to bring.
I only struggled
to change,
rambling around
in the kitchen,
trying to figure
out what to cook.

I think I’d like
to fake meatloaf,
just to bring vegetarians
into my life,
not the fake vegetarians
who eat chicken – or
fish – the ones
who eat vegetables.
Who might get
excited about my
gotu kola,
my dream of growing
black eye peas
and mung beans.

5/23/99