How I am
is how
the world isn’t.
Now and then I am
convinced, nonetheless
the world needs me
(if only because
someone says so
who has momentaraily
valued my perception
or I have managed
to convince myself
to keep on)
to live a demonstration
life of sorts
to mirror
another way

The problem is
I myself
am not very good
at it,
I never seem
to do enough
I constantly
veer off
my own intentions.
I hover forever
near beginning,
hang onto the
frignes,
as though
pushing on
diving in
to the center
will somehow
lessen me,
(pushing on
is the scarey
part of the journey.)

And usually
it has,
it’s always
so lovely
when something
is new
potential before us
like a long, clear
stretch of highway where we can see
we could pass,
but we don’t
need to.
We own the highway
like a 16-wheeler
tanked up,
Junior Brown pushed
into the tape deck
a bag of clean under
wear behind the
seat.

We are pullin out
of Tulsa with
the sun at our back
and a tail wind
to talk about
Later on
the journey wearies
like day old syhoes
experience threatens
the ideal we began
with.
Our vision
undermined
by attitude &
judgment
by fear
by doubt
& our inability
to love uncertainty
all of them nameless
and working our lives
like our mother’s phobias.

I don’t want to anymore
I think I will
I need more space
I should have more money.

Each dream, put down
before we get there
so we don’t ever
have to know –
did it suit us
were we any good at it
did it bring the meaning
we sought
did it help us
remember
who we were.

You cannot hold on to the beginning
the mere passage
of time
assures that
It makes a
caricature of
your life
like a child star
at sixty
still in pig tails
and patent leather
Mary Janes

Life knows what
we’re up to,
even when we do
not.

It grows stale
assumes the lilfelessness
of leftovers absorbing
refrigerator odor.

And you
don’t know why
because the door
is shut you
don’t see it
happening.

Put the pedal
to the medal
when the scenery
starts to seem
the same.
when it’s
a hollywood set
pulling past
a stationary
parked car.

What are the clues
that tell you
you are standing still?
When the joy
has seeped
from the day today –
when you stop
observin where
you are –
when you forget
to listen for clues
to pay attention
when you answer your own questions.

and what to do
then?
do what you
are already
doing.
but do it
on purpose.
Stop and wait
but know that
you are.
Look around you.
Listen to what you
hear.
Make note of what
you are saying.
Now you are back
in your life.
having rescued it
from something
to thinka about
to something to live.

1/6/99